Monday, September 9, 2013

Dinosaur Porn: It's a Thing That Exists

Here's the Vengeance Team, bringing you your daily dose of trauma! If you haven't already questioned the world you live in today, here's some truly horrifying links that will guarantee the taste of stomach acid in your mouth. But first, a story on how we stumbled across this miasma of WTF:

One day innocent(ish) little Meaghan was creating a review powerpoint for the Dinosaurs class she was TAing. She decided to illustrate it with adorable pictures of the characters from the Land Before Time movie series. Her Google Safe Search was off - why wouldn't it be? What menace could lurk within an images search of her favorite childhood movie? 

That innocent girl died that day, her naivety crushed beneath the steel-toed-boots of the shitshow that is the internet. See, the fundamental rule of the post-1990's world is that "If It Exists, There Shall Be Porn Of It." Meaghan did not know that then; now, soulless and shattered, she does.

WARNING: NOT SAFE FOR WORK. NOT SAFE FOR COMPANY. PROBABLY NOT SAFE FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. If you thought the tapir's penis was a horrifying blog post, you had better save yourself and abandon ship. If your curiosity has still got the best of you, rest assured that we will not be putting any of these traumatic images in our blog post (we refuse to sully ourselves that way) but will provide links for you to scar yourself with.

Playful bath time, or playful bathhouse time? Fuck you internet, fuck you.


Dinosaur Porn on the Internets
Because yeah, we're counting backwards.
 You might be thinking to yourself that this, surely, is the lowest that we can go. Surely there is nothing worse than seeing Ducky get gangbanged by her friends... in lovingly rendered and truly artistically gifted animations. But there is. There so totally is.

Yeah, you read that right, that's a thing that happened on the internet. If you want to read about Alan Grant joyfully being crushed to death by the sexy sauropod he loved, well, click away. Or perhaps you'd like to read what happens when Ian Malcom realizes that the T-rex intents to use him as a condom. We're sure that this link might lead to the best drinking game of all time, but we haven't quite figured out how yet.

"Shy Myopic Stegosaurus Takes It From Behind" and other classic images abound on this particular imgur account. This imgur account makes it clear that all of these dinosaurs are gay, and that if that bothers you, you should look elsewhere. Frankly, that's not the disturbing part.

Don Glut owns a dinosaur and reptile collection that he chooses to share with the world in a very strange way: hiring lots of barely clothed women to pose with the various dinosaur relics for his website and virtual tour of his museum-like home. Maybe not quite porn, but this site is much more realistic than all the previous drawings... those poor poor models.

If you're still reading, go grab some more alcohol. You're going to need it for number 1.

Because what dinosaur porn really needed was a video about it. Especially one called Pterodactyl Dinosaur Spermo Plasmoids featuring dudes in Pterodactyl suits and the handpuppet of NO NOT HER VAGINA!!! Wtf is a plasmoid? We refuse to google it. We REFUSE.



If you haven't left the computer to go vomit in a bucket yet, here is a series of adorable and apologetic kittens to cleanse your palate.

We're sorry.

So sorry.
The Internet Made Us Do It.
We had no choice. The internet has powers we know not how to resist.
Are you still there? Are you... why are you rocking back and forth like that?
...We did tell you not to click on the links.
Just take a deep breath. It's gonna be ok. Eventually your mind will heal, and the though the scar tissue will remain it'll make you stronger in the end.
Someday your heart will go on, and you will feel whole again.
Someday.