Thursday, February 14, 2013

The Final Day of Genitals: Barbless Boners

Some non-human primates have punk-rock peckers, embedded with barbs that make sex like literally scouring the drain, to get rid of sperm and discourage further mating. These primates, including marmosets and some prosimians, have "penile spines" which are exactly as unpleasant as they sound. 

We imagine this is the primate anthem in those particular species.

Fortunately for all concerned, humans don't have that. Evolution has kindly steered us towards smoother, larger penises. Of course this isn't exactly altruism on Evolution's part - these smoother schlongs are a great fit to remove unwanted swimmers of previous tenants, without the internal road rash issues of early primate editions. How did scientists test this theory?
Full-size image (51 K)
Dildos (and a false vagina [A]). For Science.
Well, they took a fake vagina marketed as a masturbation tool, and a bunch of dildos, and some cornstarch and water that was, AND WE QUOTE, "judged by three sexually experienced males to best approximate the viscosity and texture of human seminal fluid." This tells us several things, but mainly either that the authors of this paper are all virgins and they had to seek outside consultants, or that the 2 dudes involved in the survey didn't want to be considered experts in semen.

Essentially, they found that the coronal ridge (head of the penis) is important in getting sperm out of a vagina. They also combined data with a psychological study which showed that college-aged men tended to "involve deeper and more vigorous penile thrusting" during sex when they believed their girlfriends had cheated on them. AKA, they boned their ladies harder in order to clear out more frat boy spunk. SCIENCE. Seriously, go read this article. It's worth it for the equations alone.

This will be our last post on the topic of genitals for a while. It's not that we can't count, it's just that our search histories are literally starting to make our eyes blister and our souls melt, and we can't sustain that sort of inner horror.  We'll be back in a week or two, and spend at least a little time talking about something that isn't sex. We didn't quite make it 14 days, but we made it til the 14th! Happy Valentine's day everyone, now go enjoy some barbless boners!! (Or whatever you prefer...)

works cited:

Gallup, G. (July 01, 2003). The human penis as a semen displacement device. Evolution and Human Behavior, 24, 4, 277-289.


  1. I am so sad that the series is over! Thanks for the info, now I know how incredible boring my sex life is..... On my way to find a barbed dildo as we speak to verify some of this information.....

  2. In the name of science, Lacy, we may demand details!!! IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE.

  3. It's really a good movie.
    But it ended. I want to help you guys with a little boy.
    how to make your penis bigger fast with your hands ??
    Contact me and I'll help you. remember