Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Grant Writing Playlist

Shit's been real serious on this blog as of late, and we think it's time to be a little more ridiculous for a bit. But it's still the tail end of grant-writing season. Like always. So since some of us need motivation (you), and others of us needed reasons for procrastination (us) and it looked like we hadn't actually written anything in a while (whaaaaaaa) we have rewritten two of our favorite grant-writing songs to make them more specific ear-worms for your proposal writing needs. 

You're welcome.



What if Rihanna didn't have enough money that she could build a Scrooge McDuck swimming pool and also have statues of herself made out of pure money that decorated said money pool? What if Rihanna was also a poor pre-tenure faculty member? Well, this probably would have happened, that's what.



Feds better give me money
They should give me all their dough
Bitch you'd better fund me
My proposal is so dope
Grant me all that money
This is my award season
Please give me some money
So I can get my research on
Let's go go go

N-S-F Grad P and it's gonna be me, gonna shoot straight to the top
And you know what that means, when I graduate I'm gonna get a Jo-o-ob
I, don't use passive voice that shit is so faux pas
Don't act like I'm subpar; I raise the bar bar bar; 
So far far far
So pay me all that money, make me the damn grant czar


Feds better give me money
Bitch you'd better fund me
Grant me all that money
Feds better give me (Bitch betta fund me)
Feds better give me (Bitch betta fund me)
Feds please give me money

Write the small awards because they're more likely to get funded;
If I'm lucky get a couple out of every hundred,
Write more grants than I do research, that's the way this game gets played, hey
It's the way, it's the way, it's the way
(we're poor poor poor)

Impacts legit, I'm the shit, so time to give me what I'm due
tack on 40 cuz the overhead is through the fuckin' roo-oo-oof
Fund, grad students post docs and then student research too
I said I would come through; they've research to pursue
It's true true true
They depend on funding
So I depend on you

Feds better give me money
Feds better give me money
Grant me all that money
Feds better give me (Feds better give me)
Feds better give me (Feds better give me)
Bitch betta fund me money

Feds better give me money
Feds better give me money
Grant me all that money
Feds better give me (Feds better give me)
Feds better give me (Feds better give me)
Bitch betta fund me money

Feds better give me money
Feds better give me money
Grant me all that money
Feds better give me (Feds better give me)
Feds better give me (Feds better give me)
Bitch betta fund me money


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What if Britney wasn't the princess of pop, but was about to graduate and was desperately applying for post-docs while trying to figure out her back-up plan? Well, her songs would definitely be a bit different and take a slightly more frantic tone, that's for sure.

but for like.. funding

You wanna, you wanna

You want a Post Doc? You want a Job Talk?
You want a Tenured Job? You better work bitch
You want a G-R-F-P? Winnin' grant spree?
Validated degree? You better work bitch
You want to pay rent? Play with fun equipment?
Impress the government?
You better work bitch, you better work bitch
You better work bitch, you better work bitch
Now get to work bitch!
Now get to work bitch!

Write it down, no research doubt,
Double check it and then just churn it out,
Expand like you know what it's all about
Produce or you risk losing all your clout

Here comes the tenure, you'd better master
Here comes the pressure, time to be faster
No time to quit now, just time to jot it now
Publish what I'm writing down
Publish what I'm writing down

You want a Post Doc? You want a Job Talk?
You want a Tenured Job? You better work bitch
You want a G-R-F-P? Winnin' grant spree?
Validated degree? You better work bitch
You want to pay rent? Play with fun equipment?
Impress the government?
You better work bitch, you better work bitch
You better work bitch, you better work bitch
Now get to work bitch!
Now get to work bitch!

NSF, private funds
Getting funding is your profession
Apply for all them, not just one
Spread the love, spread your luck
Apply for geology, apply for biology
Apply for just anything, you match even modestly
rewrite your project, to expand your demography
You'd do just anything, to fund your phylogeny!

Hold your head high, fingers to the sky
Know that it's a long haul, and they will deny ya'll
Keep it moving higher, then retire
Aim your grants up higher, 'til you retire


Hold your head high, fingers to the sky
Know that it's a long haul, and they will deny ya'll
Keep it moving higher, then retire
Aim your grants up higher, 'til you retire

Work, work, work, work
Work, work, work, work
Work, work, work, work
Work, work, work
Work it out, work it out, work it out, work it out
Work it out, work it out, work it out, work it out
Work it out, work it out, work it out, work it out
Work it out, work it out
You better work bitch
You better work bitch