Monday, January 5, 2015

Horse Evolution Rap Battle: Equus vs. Eohippus

We've been talking about it for a year, and it's finally here: the horse evolution rap battle that you didn't even know you were waiting for featuring Equus (aka the modern horse, aka Amy) versus Eohippus (aka the Equid Ewok, aka Meaghan). This video is probably about PG, for that time Amy rides the tiki torch and also mentions "Flipping the Bird." Full lyrics below. Enjoy!

I’m Equus, the horse, evolutionary perfection
if you think you’ve got this battle gonna need some redirection
I’ll rule this rap like I’ve ruled the modern age-
Pliocene innovation for the modern stage.

It’s HIP-HOP, not clippity-clop
So back that mic up before you flippity-flop
Horse perfection began in the Paleocene+
When Eohippus entered the primordial scene

Haters gonna feel my Pleistocene rage
spillin’ forth like a glacier from the latest ice age
I’m leggy, yo - Pleistocene Top Model
I’m up on toe tip while you walk with a waddle

I’m the original gangsta, basal pony before bronies
All that evolved after me is a bunch of tall phonies
I’m behind all your limited greatness
I worked by natural selection but you get the press

You’re tiny, you’re old, and you went extinct
My lineage continues, yours was succinct
Embarrassed that we share the same evolutionary tree
Your browsing is out, I’m the crown in our phylogeny

On my success you’re dependent - can’t believe you’re my descendent
Your teeth are pretentious, your adaptations tendentious
Your tribe is contentious and forgive my directness
but the only reason you’ve come this far
is because you were what humans used before cars

To think you could beat me is simply absurd
I’ve evolved just one finger, to flip you the bird
Your five fingers* are as dumb as Vibrams
Ugly, unnecessary - why would horses use thumbs*? 
I’ve got the highest teeth in town
your stumpy molars got you down with no crown
You’re gluten-free, you can’t handle the wheat
You’re lucky you’re dead cuz you could never compete

I’m a browser baby, throwback digestion
Evolution got it right the first time, no question
Your grass tastes like the pits and it’s covered with grit
you can take your phytoliths and split
You think you’re a success cuz this is what you’re used to
But I’d rather be extinct than be made into glue.
You’re as dumb as a horse of course OF COURSE
The best part of the horse family is back at the source
+Our pony-science consultant tells us so; Wikipedia says Early Eocene. We're gonna go with Tony Famous on this one.
*Eohippus technically had four toes in the front and five toes in the back, but we got those confused and refused to give up thumb as a rhyme. So... technically a little inaccurate. SORRY! 


If you like this you'll probably like our first prehistoric rap battle, Megatherium vs Bradypus. Fair warning, it has a lot of cursing and lower video/rap quality. Also for more awesome content you should follow us on Facebook or Twitter, Instagram or the afterthought of social media, Google +!

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