Horse Evolution Rap Battle: Equus vs. Eohippus

We've been talking about it for a year, and it's finally here: the horse evolution rap battle that you didn't even know you were waiting for featuring Equus (aka the modern horse, aka Amy) versus Eohippus (aka the Equid Ewok, aka Meaghan). This video is probably about PG, for that time Amy rides the tiki torch and also mentions "Flipping the Bird." Full lyrics below. Enjoy!

EQUUS

I’m Equus, the horse, evolutionary perfection

if you think you’ve got this battle gonna need some redirection

I’ll rule this rap like I’ve ruled the modern age-

Pliocene innovation for the modern stage.

EOHIPPUS

It’s HIP-HOP, not clippity-clop

So back that mic up before you flippity-flop

Horse perfection began in the Paleocene+

When Eohippus entered the primordial scene

EQUUS

Haters gonna feel my Pleistocene rage

spillin’ forth like a glacier from the latest ice age

I’m leggy, yo - Pleistocene Top Model

I’m up on toe tip while you walk with a waddle

EOHIPPUS

I’m the original gangsta, basal pony before bronies

All that evolved after me is a bunch of tall phonies

I’m behind all your limited greatness

I worked by natural selection but you get the press

EQUUS

You’re tiny, you’re old, and you went extinct

My lineage continues, yours was succinct

Embarrassed that we share the same evolutionary tree

Your browsing is out, I’m the crown in our phylogeny

EOHIPPUS

On my success you’re dependent - can’t believe you’re my descendent

Your teeth are pretentious, your adaptations tendentious

Your tribe is contentious and forgive my directness

but the only reason you’ve come this far

is because you were what humans used before cars

EQUUS

To think you could beat me is simply absurd

I’ve evolved just one finger, to flip you the bird

Your five fingers* are as dumb as Vibrams

Ugly, unnecessary - why would horses use thumbs*? 

I’ve got the highest teeth in town

your stumpy molars got you down with no crown

You’re gluten-free, you can’t handle the wheat

You’re lucky you’re dead cuz you could never compete

EOHIPPUS

I’m a browser baby, throwback digestion

Evolution got it right the first time, no question

Your grass tastes like the pits and it’s covered with grit

you can take your phytoliths and split

You think you’re a success cuz this is what you’re used to

But I’d rather be extinct than be made into glue.

You’re as dumb as a horse of course OF COURSE

The best part of the horse family is back at the source

+Our pony-science consultant tells us so; Wikipedia says Early Eocene. We're gonna go with Tony Famous on this one.
*Eohippus technically had four toes in the front and five toes in the back, but we got those confused and refused to give up thumb as a rhyme. So... technically a little inaccurate. SORRY! 

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If you like this you'll probably like our first prehistoric rap battle, Megatherium vs Bradypus. Fair warning, it has a lot of cursing and lower video/rap quality. Also for more awesome content you should follow us on Facebook or Twitter, Instagram or the afterthought of social media, Google +!