Thursday, January 9, 2014

A Belated Response To Our Google Search Terms

We get some pretty odd google search terms that bring people to the blog. We thought, in the spirit of the New Year, we would address some of these because we are action-oriented, answer-giving people and frankly, we think our content has been letting down some of the perverts of the world (well, except for any post during February).

"Corkscrew In Cock"
We respect your spirit of investigation but seriously, GO TO THE HOSPITAL/VET CLINIC. Neither your dick nor, if applicable, your angry rooster, are appropriate substitutes for wine bottles. We realize it looks like maybe an oblong shape that could fit on another oblong shape, but if you didn't notice the horribly sharp and intimidating metal inside that column... well, you probably have by now. Hopefully your google search was a pre-emptive question, not a "now what" question.

"How to Make Your Penis Prehensile"
On the night of a Harvest Moon, when the tides are full and the summer air sweet, you must find a walrus and... Just kidding. Real answer: you can't. But if you've got the money, there are people out there who will build you a make-shift prosthetic (great, now we're going to get "boa constrictor dick" searches too).

"Big Dick Utah"
We're not sure what you were really looking for here. Perhaps Utah's local Grindr accounts? Obviously you got directed to our fantastic piece on rock phalluses, but perhaps you were unable to remember a name. Try "Utah Politicians" instead, we're sure you'll find something.

Utah is the land of dicks, though.

"Pictures of a giant ground sloth"
Listen, buddy, it's called Google Images. Type Giant Ground Sloth in, you'll get it. But just to make sure you were satisfied:
That's a hardcore gangasta giant gorund sloth. Trust us, if you were a bit more inventive, you would have googled Giant Ground Sloth Rap and come up with PURE GOLD.

Sex With You Will Suck
Presumably you are not speaking about the Vengeance Team (how could you be?), but someone has said this to you recently and you are somehow baffled by the meaning of the phrase. Ok, well, assuming that you don't speak the language, try entering the phrase into babelfish. Or assuming you do speak English but are trying to come up with some sort of clever retort... did you try "nuh-uh" or "that's not what your mom said last night?" Since this is a paleontology blog, another way to respond would have been "that's not what Dromomeryx said last night." Either way, they went petty... so go petty in response, then salvage your dignity and don't ask Google for help anymore.

The Dromomeryx on the ground is all like "sex with you will suck," and the standing foreground animal is all like, "uh, that's not what Dromomeryx said last night," and the other one is later like "wait what does that mean, which Dromomeryx are you talking about, we have NAMES, Fred!" and then Fred's all like "yeah, I'm sorry, I reacted in anger but didn't really have a come-back prepared. My bad. Sex with me probably WOULD suck."

"Does your butt swell when you're..."
Fertile? No. Unless you are a baboon, then yes.
Injured? Yes. Unless the injury is not to your butt, then probably not.
Infected? Yes. See if there are red streaks around a previously-existing abrasion or cut.
Menstruating? No, but you may perceive some change because of the period demons eating your self-esteem.
A baboon? See answer one.

Well, we hope that cleared everything up! Good luck, random google trawlers, and remember: Google can be your encyclopedia, your doctor, and your therapist, but Google will never be your friend.