Friday, February 6, 2015

14 Days of Genitals, Day 6: Hanky-No-Panky Pandas

Baby pandas are cute. Really, really cute. Unfortunately, adult pandas seem to be really bad at making them. Why? Well apparently... apathy.

Mating? Meh.

Zoo-keepers have tried a lot of things, and written some very weird papers all about how to encourage pandas to do it. Letting the couple get to know each other first is helpful, but only if they don't show aggressive behaviors like, and we quote: "Moaning, grunting, barking and roaring," which sounds like the cutest rejection of all time. If the couple isn't aggressive, huge numbers still fail to mate. Either they display a sudden lack of interest in one another, or they are just too stupid to do it right - or the technical term, they experience "mounting without copulation."

Poor Lun Lun. The shit she has to put up with.

So how are zookeepers working to inspire greater interest (and capacity) in potential panda fuck-buddies? By showing them panda porn.

That's right, you just spent 7 minutes watching a stranger watch two pandas bump fuzzy uglies. And if you were a panda, this highly educational and erotic video (plus your daily routine of calisthenics to gain strength in your humping motion - REAL THING THAT HAPPENS) would have definitely inspired you to do it yourself. With cinematic encouragement and leg training, panda mating at the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding went up from 25% success to 60% success.

We're not sure what techniques will be used to raise that particular percentage further. We simply hope they don't draw from the Whooping Crane bag of tricks. No zookeeper should have to love pandas that much.

Zhang, Guiquan, Ronald R. Swaisgood, and Hemin Zhang. "Evaluation of behavioral factors influencing reproductive success and failure in captive giant pandas." Zoo biology 23.1 (2004): 15-31.


Learn about the latest techniques in making your google search history traumatizing beyond belief (Homeland Security should be visiting us any day now). Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Google + or Instagram for more!

No comments:

Post a Comment